Oct. 4th, 2016

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okay it’s Eleanor @queerandgrumpy’s fault that I’ve given this so much consideration but it’s time for official scores

Edward Ferrars
okay so he’d be gentle and sweet and would stroke your face a lot, but sense without sensibility only gets you so far, you know? Edward is the guy you can take home to meet your mum but you don’t feel any particular compulsion to take him to bed. there’d be no passion, and he’d also have no idea what he was doing, but he’d be very nice about it which it why I moved him up from my original 2/10 to a:3/10

Colonel Brandon
he’s got the brooding and the passion, as well as the intense longing, but on the other hand, he’s on the older side, and not in a sexy way, and he’s so scrupulously moral in a really straightforward way that he probably wouldn’t do anything, well, particularly interesting5/10

Willoughby (just looked it up and his first name is John?? I refuse to accept that, it never even occurred to me that he would have a first name)
okay so Willoughby is everything Brandon isn’t, sure, that’s the point, and he’d think he was fantastic, but he’s that guy who does no foreplay, finishes after five minutes, falls asleep immediately, and then smirks at you later like he thinks he gave you a really good time2/10

Fitzwilliam Darcy
okay here’s the thing, Darcy would be really good, but only once. so much repression, so much longing, the single best night of your life, but after that he goes back to being shy and awkward and also he feels really weird about what you did together and it makes him even more awkward than before (yes, even if you marry him)7/10

Charles Bingley
oh god can you even imagine? there’s nothing hot about that level of earnestness. he has no idea what he’s doing and neither do you if you even consider going to bed with him2/10

George Wickham
he’s got a bit more game than Willoughby but you can tell how little he respects you and it makes you feel dirty. he’s also probably into some weird shit and gets all defensive and strange if you don’t feel like indulging it3/10

Mr Collins
I refuse to even picture this0/10

Colonel Fitzwilliam
he’s reasonably attractive, he’s nice, he’s considerate, he knows what he’s doing, he doesn’t really want to get involved but he still cuddles you and gets you breakfast in the morning6/10

Edmund Bertram
look, he’s just not hot. it’s impossible to be that into him unless you’re Fanny Price, and you’re not. also you can kind of sense that he’s projected this idealised version of you onto you and it’s weird. all of it’s weird. you tell your best friend about it and she asks how it was and you say “it was weird”1/10
Henry Crawford
I mean we know he’s good, right? he’s “leave your obscenely rich husband” good. I didn’t want to get too detailed and specific on this post, but Henry Crawford gives you like a solid hour of oral before anything else happens, and he does that every time, not just the first time when he’s trying to impress you. but he’s such a shit human being that you feel kind of torn a lot of the time, and also you didn’t sign up for a threesome but his ego is a substantial third presence in the room and you’re kind of tired of having to stroke it8/10

Mr Rushworth
I refuse, and so does Maria0/10

George Knightley (yes, his name is George, it surprises me every time too)
god, okay, Mr Knightley, he’s that older man, the one who only really exists in your fantasies; he knows what he wants, he knows what you want, he’s not even doing the whole repressed longing thing for most of his life, it just genuinely doesn’t bother him that he’s not banging anyone and he only wants to do that with someone he cares about, so if he takes you to bed he really, really cares about you and he wants to make this good for you, he wants to make this so good for you and he’s going to make sure he does as though your sexual satisfaction is the single greatest goal of his life10/10

Frank Churchill
he should be good, right? you thought he was going to be so good, and you can’t even put your finger on anything specific that wasn’t good, but man, it wasn’t good. I mean it wasn’t bad, either, it was just… really, really average. but it seems worse than average because you had big expectations5/10

Elton (his first name is Philip? I never knew this until now and I refuse to acknowledge it)
I also refuse to acknowledge that Elton and sex could have anything to do with each other0/10

John Knightley
I know, no one else has thought about this, no one else cares, this one is just for me. John Knightley, the lesser known Knightley, he’s that guy who would be kind of hot if he only dressed better and wasn’t such a dick, you’ve never really talked to him but then at a party you end up sitting together and you realise that you hate all the same people and at some point you end up making out in a corner and then sneaking into a bedroom and just going for it and it’s not the greatest thing ever but it’s better than that shit party you’re at and he makes you laugh a lot while it’s happening and you never really hang out again but sometimes he catches your eye and winks at you8/10

Henry Tilney
okay so he may be a clergyman but this guy knows things, he’s read some scandalous novels, and has a scandalous older brother who probably never shuts up about his exploits: Henry Tilney knows things. how good would he be in application though? everything he does will be pretty okay, but he’s not hot enough or suave enough to make it really amazing. he’s definitely a good time AND he’s a guy you can take home to your mum, but he lacks that extra level of sex appeal that you get from someone like George Knightley or Henry Crawford7/10

John Thorpe
fuck that guy. by which I mean, do not, under any circumstances, fuck that guy0/10

Frederick Tilneyokay so he’s hot, and he probably knows a thing or two, but he’s too fundamentally selfish to care. he is entirely focused on his own pleasure, and he even knows that he could make it better for you, he just doesn’t give a shit. but like, he kind of makes you feel like you’re into that?3/10

William Elliot
you have an advantage over Anne Elliot here in that he’s not your cousin, but like with Anne he’s still totally just using you. he’s real charming though, and this boy has gotten around and knows exactly what he’s doing. he’d be a really good time if you couldn’t tell he was already figuring out who he wants to sleep with after you6/10

Captain Frederick Wentworthjesus, okay, here we go, I just got all flustered just thinking about this. you’ve never seen so much repressed longing in one place and it doesn’t even matter if you’re not the one he’s longing for, he’s still going to pour so much pent up angst and lust into every movement that he’ll be the best thing you’ve ever had. he’s considerate and sensitive too though, he looks at you the whole time, directly at you, and holds your face in his hands when he kisses you, and he directs you so, so gently and holds you to him like you’re precious and fragile, even when he’s throwing everything into it in a way that leaves you literally breathless. you feel things you didn’t know could be felt, emotionally and physically. you think it’s over and he smiles knowingly at you and says “ready to go again?” when you’re falling asleep he pulls you closer to him and whispers that you’re beautiful. you’ve never felt as safe as you do in his arms, and even though you’re exhausted now you know you’re going to do it all over again in the morning and probably into the afternoon
I can’t even give him a numerical score, whatever scoring system you’re using he’s better than the highest possible score



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